So the other day I was thinking about the Toads from the Mario series. You remember the Toads, right? Cheerful little midgets in vests with mushrooms growing out of their heads? Of course you do.
Wait. . . mushrooms growing out of their heads? That sound really painful. Especially since the mushrooms happen to be easily three times the size of the heads in question. So why the hell are they smiling all the time? Shouldn’t they be in horrible, horrible pain?
Well, who says they aren’t?
Maybe it isn’t the Toad who’s smiling. Maybe that mushroom has rooted itself not only is his skull but in his spine as well, seizing control over his nervous system. Playing him like a puppet. Walking around with his legs, and smiling cheerfully with his mouth while inside he’s in constant agony but hasn’t even got enough control over his body to scream.
That would be absolutely horrible if it were the case, but it can’t possibly be like that, right? Right?
But then again. . . it would explain why they’re all so clumsy all the time. The puppeteer’s control is never perfect. But surely that doesn’t mean anything, right? Right??
And why is the Mushroom Kingdom called the Mushroom Kingdom instead of… oh I don’t know… the Toad Kingdom. Perhaps because that’s exactly what it is: the Mushrooms’ kingdom. Or maybe its just a cute name, right? Right???
And the Kingdom is absolutely full of art depicting Mushrooms, but have you ever seen any art there depicting Toads? I sure haven’t. Why would the Toads draw their “hats” but not themselves? Because its not the Toads who are doing the drawing. . . or maybe they’ve just got some sort of cultural taboo against drawing people, like in Islam, right? RIGHT????
But no, they’ve got pictures of Princess Peach. She’s a person. A person who doesn’t appear to serve any administrative function in the government of the Mushroom Kingdom, and serves merely as a figurehead. A puppet ruler, if you will. How appropriate. At least, that’s all she is for now. Maybe they’re always keeping her locked up in the castle because they’re waiting for her to get infected with the Mushrooms herself, so they can make her their queen. But that would mean. . . that would mean that Bowser is actually trying to save her. And he keeps surrounding the Mushroom Kingdom with deathtraps and non-humanoid minions who aren’t compatible hosts for the Mushrooms as an attempt to establish a quarantine, while the Mushrooms constantly dupe Mario into “rescuing” the Princess that they don’t actually need. . . yet. Maybe Mario is even a carrier for the infection without knowing it, which is why he can never, ever return to New York… New York which has over eight million human beings living in it and around ten thousand flights arriving and leaving for all over the world every single day. But. . . but that’s impossible, right? R͍͎̪I̟̣̲̘̼̳̟GH͍̦̱͖̙ͅT͇?͔̠̜!̣̩̘͉̮͙?͔̜͖!̺?̖̯!͓̜͖͎?̣̣̥̮͓̖!̦͈͍̟̠?!
Oh ̥̭̖͖̖̣g̪̙͈̹͙͙̳o̱͔͚̪̼̫d͚̥͎̩̲̺,̬͉̝̲̦̩ ̥͖͔t̗̫̯̜̪h͔i̳͕̱͔̟̱̯s̞̺̩̭ ̼̜̘̭c͙̘̺̱h̞͓̤a̩̼̖̪̰̝n̦͓͙ge̠̱̭̬s̺ͅ ͉̬̳̠̬̘e̼̬̭̖̝̝v̗̙e͔̙̞͉ͅr͉̣̬y̥̲̳̱͔̺ṭẖ̤̼i͖͙͇͎n͕̯͈̗g̭͍̖!̜̭̝͚͍̖ͅ ̜̫̣̝̦̮I̼͓̱͔̭͙͔ ̣̟̫M̝̻̩̝U̼S̜̹̘̹̱̪̟T̠͉͕̱ͅ ̫͔͚̥͎͕̪W̯̘͇̥͍̠A̯̭R̮̦N̬̲͙̫̙͈ͅ ̰͙̱̬T̯͓̙̝̤H̜̪͍̠̜̬̝E̜ ͈̠̯͖̥͓P͉͈E͕ͅO͎̹̠P̳L̹͔̪̝̝̼E̬̯̫!̣͉͙͈͖!͖̝̱̪̣!̮̝̖͈̘!͎̖̦̳̞̘̹ ̙͙̮͎̘I̳͈͇̝̦̟t̙̦̱s̝̤̱̭ ̘͎͎̠̹͉̣T͎̫͎̟̜o̠̹̖͉o̩ ̼͚͖Lat̫̮͕̻͉̝e ̜̭̘F͈͈͎̫̩o͖r̰͖͈̞ ͙̘̹M̤̺͍̮̰̙̭e!͓̺̺̞̟ ̫͖̼̜͚̼ͅs̟̖̻̝A͍͇̲v̩͍͎̠̗͍ẹ̫ ͓ỵ͔̲͉͕͔̖o̻̭͈̻͈͙U͙͚̩rs͍̦̫̗El̠̖Ve̹̯͓s̩̣͉ ͇Wh̝̲I̘͉͓l͉̳̜͚͕͓̘e͓͉̼͈̘ ̮̗̭̪̺͕y͈O͈u͔̙̺͙ s͓t̥̮̦̲i͈̰̞͉̩ͅL̤͖̮̲̻͚L̠̠͈̖̙̼̯ ͈̟̺ͅc͚͙̣̦̜̖̘A̘N͉̦̮!̰̫̦!͓͙̹̣͔̪!̤̳͓̫!!̤̪̮̲̱͚!͓̪͇͙̳̮̗!̺̤̠̺͕̖! *goes mad from the revelation*
Needless to say, this would make an awesome movie, with a truly epic horror twist on the standard Mario plot viewers were be expecting. I may, at some point, film a movie trailer for this film.
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