New Years Resolutions

2016 is finally over (good riddance), and today is January 1st, the first day of a brand new year. In the spirit of the occasion, I thought I’d share with you some resolutions I’d made for things I hope to improve on in the year ahead.

  1. I will not attempt to beat traffic by tailgating emergency response vehicles.
  2. Driving ranges and shooting ranges are not functionally interchangeable.
  3. There are inherent limits to the freedom granted by the phrase “dress code optional”, and I would be wise to keep this in mind.
  4. I will not use the power of positive thinking for evil.
  5. My phone bill does not exist in a simultaneous superimposed state of “paid” and “overdue” until I open the envelope and observe its contents, quantum mechanics be damned.
  6. I will not try to patent any invention that’s more than a decade older than I am.
  7. I cannot get diplomatic immunity simply by being exceptionally polite.
  8. I will not sing along to the music in the elevator. Especially if I don’t know the words.
  9. I will not bury time capsules with contents specifically selected to mislead or confuse future archeologists, and I will definitely not bury them on someone else’s property.
  10. Drive-through operators at fast food restaurants are neither qualified nor inclined to absolve me of my sins.
  11. Saying “I told you so” is acceptable. Citing it as evidence of my astonishing and infallible powers of precognition is not.
  12. “Author unknown” does not mean that I am allowed to take credit for writing it.
  13. “Question everything” does not apply to statements such as “harmful if swallowed” or “danger: undetonated ordinance”.
  14. No one is interested in buying “fashionably” pre-ripped hazmat suits.
  15. While the pen may indeed be mightier than the sword, raising the subject with airport security is not appreciated.
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